


Mia VS Evil Dead

by webhead3019



Series: DEADITE SLAYERS SAGA [1]
Category: Evil Dead (2013), Evil Dead (Movies)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-29 18:43:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21414877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/webhead3019/pseuds/webhead3019
Summary: Hail to the queen! Mia is back and ready for more action and horror than ever before. Cast forth the buckets of gore and let the profanities commence!
Series: DEADITE SLAYERS SAGA [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045416





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a slight mix of black humor in here, but this is the goriest and most vulgar story I’ve ever written on this site. I don’t know anyone who writes this like I do, so you’ve been warned. If you so dare, enjoy the show!

I died... twice. I’m speaking literally, not figuratively. Despite dying twice, I have no blessings to offer when it comes to knowledge about the afterlife. I didn’t know there even was one on my first go-around. Having been reanimated twice, I now understand the first time was never meant to be. For my second go-around, I wasn’t quite so lucky. I say this, as I went straight to fucking Hell. There is a Hell and let me tell you, it does not look too fucking peachy. I was brought back once again, but now I know more than any one person should know... any one person that is among the living of course. There’s got to be a reason for that. To say the least, my ascent from Hell was not an easy one. From my current standpoint, it doesn’t look to be getting any fucking easier. While I’m forever marked mentally, that doesn’t seem to be enough for them. After vanquishing one of their own, hunted I am with an army of demons hot on my heels. Although the evil dead fucks may find me violently yet effectively meeting any attempt to screw me for a third time. With my chainsaw stump and whatever my one good hand can get a hold of, I’ll send every last one of the motherfuckers back to Hell.

The motherfuckers were coming. Of that much, Mia was certain. She was able to hitchhike, but she reckoned no amount of distance she placed between her and the cabin could stop the forces of the damned from finding her again. It wouldn’t end until Mia sent all the demons seeking her out back to Hell. She had been dropped off at a diner. It wasn’t Mia’s first choice, but she had to stop and rest somewhere. She told her story and perhaps because she did, the barkeep there was one call away from bringing in the cops. He reckoned he could handle the most inebriated of souls, but he couldn’t handle crazy. For what it’s worth, Mia did look like a crazy person to him and the rest of the bar’s inhabitant influx. Mia watched the window, practically waiting for the evil dead to find her. The barkeep said, “You drifters are nothing but trouble. What did you bring to my doorstep, trouble?” Mia said, “Hell storm in a fucking handbasket.” The barkeep said, “Nice. Real nice. Get the fuck out of my diner. Why don’t you?” Mia sighed and said, “It doesn’t matter now. They’re already here.” The barkeep said, “Who’s here? Who. The fuck. Is here?” Mia said, “The motherfucking Deadites... Jesus! Didn’t you hear a goddamn word of what I said?”

The barkeep said, “Oh, sure. That was some quality fucking storytelling, I simply must say. I’m sure you consumed a hefty amount of pot to fix that one up.” Mia said, “Fuck you, prick. I don’t do that shit... not anymore. I’m fucking clean.” The barkeep shook his head sarcastically and said, “Yup. You’re about as clean as a whistle alright... And I’m Bruce motherfucking Campbell.” A howling gust could be heard flinging itself at the building and was homing in quickly. Mia said, “Enough. It’s time for you and everyone in here to find a safe place.” The barkeep said, “Why in the Hell would I do that, you crazy bitch?” Mia said, “Oh? I’ll fucking tell you why, you stupid asshole hick. The fucking story’s about to begin again. Unless you want to be reduced to a pile of fucking blood, shit, and guts, I suggest you back the fuck up and duck.” He should have listened sooner. Hardly a second later, the approaching gust blew out the window and a large panel of glass decapitated the man on impact. The man hopped around like a headless chicken before settling with a faint. Blood gushed out of his neck and Mia brought out her chainsaw. Despite the decapitation being a spectacle by rights, it lacked something in the gruesome factor associated with the previous Deadite attacks Mia had become familiar with. By cruel default, that ideal it could never be.

The headless man’s body jumped back up again and started bouncing around again. This time it wasn’t just some nerves unsure of their status again. There was something inside of the man, trying desperately to jump out of him. His clothes along with the skin on his chest and stomach started to tear open as something moved around inside his body. His rib cage burst open as two humongous clawed hands ripped their way through not another moment later. The claws pushed outward, eviscerating and ripping the man’s already mutilated carcass in half from head-to-toe. An Eldritch abomination dropped to a crouch in a pounding rain of gore and guts. The Deadite unfolded itself and stood upright. It was 10 feet tall and had long wiry black hair that hung, hovering just above touching distance of its gangly shoulders. The abomination had no face, only smooth dents and a peak where the eyes, mouth, and nose would be. The elongated talon-like fingers on both its hands and feet each stretched to half a foot. Despite not having a mouth, the abomination spoke, “Miiiiiiiaaaa. Time to come back to Hell.” It was suffocated speech, as if the Deadite was still buried within the barkeep’s body. Mia revved up her chainsaw and said, “Maybe you didn’t get my fucking memo last time? What the fuck ever. If you wanna fucking tango, let’s fucking tango you punk motherfucker.” It was Mia’s time to perform this dance once again.

Ready she was, yet that didn’t stop the Deadite from making its reckless move. Mia swung her chainsaw in a downwards arc just as the spread claws were lunging her way. The chainsaw cut through the webbing in between the abomination’s fingers with showy results of a most grisly sort. The blade bit downward and chewed halfway down the length of the demon’s arm, stopping right at the elbow bone’s edge. The demon howled and flung back from whence it came. Mid-jump, the abomination screeched, “I’ll chew you up whooolee and spit out your booonesss, you junkie little cunt!” The abomination barely had time to regroup it’s footing when Mia quickly gave chased with a lunge of her own. Before she guided the chainsaw into the Deadite once more, Mia shot back, “You won’t fucking be able to if you don’t have a digestive tract, you stupid fucking cocksucker!” Mia ripped through the Deadite’s hip as it screamed in agony. Chunky bits of flesh and bloody viscera spat out, splattering all over Mia’s face, arms, and chest. Two rope loops of intestines slipped out and collapsed wetly between the demon’s legs without fully detaching. Mia’s chainsaw was able to pass through the other hip, but it didn’t quite cleave the abomination in two. She had to break the spinal column in the center of its mostly exposed torso first.

Since it was leaning with the sudden forward release, Mia managed to butt the Deadite forehead the forehead. There was a crunch and the impact of their heads bumping formed a bloody welt in its already weakened structure. The motion was powerful enough to break the spine in two and the flimsy flesh holding its back together peeled away. The upper torso flopped hard to the ground, along with the rest of its intestines. Despite the rest of the body giving way, the Deadite’s legs still held in place. Mia screamed herself a deranged war cry and spun the chainsaw impulsively from down under. With one last rev, Mia jerked her chainsaw upwards and disconnected the legs, carrying through the crotch, then all the way up. A gaseous hiss and one last sprinkling of blood was offered as the bottom torso released in a split of its own. Dissecting the creature for the second time around was halfway closer to the longer extent of the barkeep’s body that had been sliced up vertically before it. Naturally, the legs dropped to their polar respective sides. A woman leapt out from under a table and screamed bloody murder, “Sweet Virgin Mary, holy mother of Jesus H. Christ! What in the Devil’s name was that?” Mia agreed and said, “You need not second fucking guess, for on that fucking note, you‘re already well-informed. What in the Devil’s name indeed.”


	2. Chapter 2

Mia explained, “However looney and with good reason it may sound to you, the answer is yes. The story itself is true, though I’m not so sure I don’t belong in the looney bin myself.” The woman cautiously backed up and said, “What do you mean? Why?” Mia simply picked up where she left off and said, “The only reason I’m still carrying on is because my own brother and his friends died just so they could bring me back. It may not have been me in there, but that goddamn blasted demon scarred my mind in ways that can never be replicated. Even with all odds against them in that cabin from Hell, they stopped at nothing. It’s as much a gift as it is a fucking curse, but by some unthinkable grace I was returned. Through thick and thin, they were all I had left. I may not be able to copy back the favor, but I’m not going to let their legacies go down in vain either.” The woman exhaled deeply and said, “Oh... great. Your role in this grim tale is that of the twisted savior.” Mia said, “Ex-zacto-fucking-mundo. Oh, and before I forget, you’re welcome.” The woman said, “If it’s all the same to you, I am grateful. Because of you, crisis was averted.” Mia said, “Don’t let me rub you the wrong way, honey. While it’s nice to be appreciated again, it ain’t over yet.”

Stronger yet, Mia reiterated, “It ain’t even fucking close to being over. You think the Deadites earned the first syllable in their name because they let something minor like fucking death stop them? This is our break time and before you know it, we’ll be on to wave motherfucking two.” The woman said, “But how can you be so sure? You’ve only killed one demon before this. Surely, they’ve learned their lesson by now.” Mia pointed out, “Demon or not, it goes without saying you’re a persistent little shit after managing to break free from Hell. Sure, I chopped up one such demon in the flesh before this second fucking meet-and-greet. Their fucking persistence is still second to none. By this point, one would expect them to travel in twos. Double the effort, double the motherfucking trouble. Comprende?” Despite the long lecture, the woman voiced back nothing in return. Although, that did not mean she had nothing left to say as the newfound shock on the woman’s face itself told otherwise. Mia said, “Ah, great. You saw how well the last jerk fared. So, before we get too carried away, is there anyone unaccounted for I should be fucking worried about? You know, seeing that now’s the goddamn time for noteworthy reveals.”

In that moment, Mia was nonverbally jinxed as there was one such unaccounted person, but the suspect in question was no spell breaker. His sudden reveal seemed unable to snap the woman out of her trance. A man who had successfully hidden from the two of them behind a booth leapt out from his corner. He desperately tried the exit handle before he pounded repeatedly on the door itself. The man cried, “Why the fuck is this door locked? Help! Help! Let me the everlasting fuck out of this place! There are motherfucking psychos in here! Fuck!” Mia pointed and said, “If you’re looking for the busted-out window, it’s that way.” The man scrambled for the newfound exit, but in doing so, he slipped against the long slick of blood pooling out of the mutilated corpses at the back of the diner. He skated a couple skips before he reached enough momentum to fly off. The forward launching planted his face onto the base glass sticking out of the shattered window frame. It passed through his cheeks like butter and partially dislodged his jawline, flipped it out like a swing contraption. More disappointed than shocked, Mia rolled her eyes and said, “Ugh. Never mind, that was bad advice. Forget I said that.”

Without another moment’s delay to spare, Mia returned her attention to the woman who didn’t so much as blink. Mia didn’t imagine that was who was on her mind and prompted, “Well? I’m not liking these numbers so far. Is there anybody else?” Despite there being yet another casualty added to the mix, the woman did not thaw from her frozen state. In fact, she did not snap out of it until well after Mia smacked her across the face... with the hand that wasn’t a chainsaw of course. Mia demanded, “Jesus fucking Christ, lady! When I ask you a goddamn question, answer it this goddamn century please. Time is not on your fucking side! Now the goddamn Devil is rapping at your door and all you can do is just rap right the fuck back, hopefully with a trusty boomstick at your fucking disposal.” The woman stuttered, “My... my husband. He’s been in the bathroom this whole time.” Mia said, “Your husband? That’s specifically who you fucking forgot to mention? Must be some husband. I reckon it’s better to be an alive sitting duck than a dead sitting duck.” The woman said, “Please, Mia! You have to help him!” Mia reassured her, “We’ll get to the fucker in just a hop and a skip. There’s just something on my mind, bugging me.”

Mia paused before quipping inappropriately, “Besides us gals, what sort of damn asshole do you have to be to need being that long on the shitter? Be honest with yourself here. He’s probably yanking one off. I mean, with a time slot of this length, what in the blazing Hell do you fathom he’d be doing?” The woman ignored Mia’s displaced scoffing banter and sobbed, “Oh, dear. He doesn’t even know what to expect in there.” Mia said, “Hopefully an uninterrupted shit is the most painful of his worries.” The woman said, “Oh come the fuck on! How is any bullshit like that supposed to make me feel any better?” Mia motioned with her chainsaw stump and said, “Psshh, it’s whatever. I’ll fucking take care of it.” The woman asked, “Do you need to take your chainsaw into the restroom with you? For God’s sake, any man not precisely craving a sex change would think you’re in there to feminize him.” Mia said, “This here beautiful baby goes wherever the fuck I go. We need all the fucking hands we can get and without it, we’re one fucking hand short. If he’s turned and I must castrate the piece of shit, so be it. It’s not exactly like it’s a burning desire on my bucket list.” Mia uncapped and filled her chainsaw filter with spare gasoline.

Mia announced, “I can feel the gust again. The second wave is coming.” The woman asked, “You can feel it? I can’t even hear it.” Mia said, “I wouldn’t expect you to. It may be something only unique to me.” The woman asked, “Apart from the chainsaw hand, why are you so unique? You’re still human obviously.” The woman second guessed herself without so much as a space in between opposing statements and said, “Wait, are you?” As though she’s been asking herself that lately, Mia groaned and recounted, “Ever since I died twice and lived, I’ve been receiving psychic links up to a minute in advance.” Mia pulled her necklace out from under her collar and said, “I think it has something to do with the spiritual charm I wear around my neck. It was the last gift my brother gave me other than life again. It changed something. As tricky of a bitch she is, fate does in fact, work with purpose in mind. She does so, more than you can ever know. Thankfully, it isn’t here yet, but it’s not outside either.” Mia stopped then added, “In fact, it’s harder than normal to discern what direction the wind’s blowing and I don’t think I want to stand in place any longer and find out why. Now if the diversions fucking cease, perhaps we’ll get Happy Pants off the john before it’s too late.”

Mia concluded, “These damned motherfuckers crave a fucking bloodbath. Now the Deadites know it’s not gonna involve me until they warm up. Bump forward the fucking rookie numbers.” The woman shot back, “Well? What the fuck are you waiting for, pussy? Judgment day? Let’s blast our way through the men’s restroom. If we hit a few fucking dicks on the way there, so fucking be it.” Mia rolled her eyes and she proceeded to bust the lavatory entrance down with a boot like so. The man threw his newspaper aside and yelled, “Bitch! What the actual fuck?” The man whose jaw had gotten dislodged appeared behind them in that very moment. He tried taking a bite out of the woman’s head, but his lower jaw casually gave way and fell to the ground. The woman laughed hysterically, thinking the man had no other ways to attack her, though she was wrong and fatally so. The recently turned Deadite punched its thumbs through her eyeballs. She cried bloody murder and the rim around her eyes seeped like so. The Deadite wrenched outwards, which caused the skull to break apart like a pistachio. The flesh and bone that made the face half of her head split down the middle and about halfway off the top.

The Deadite laughed maniacally and chanted, “Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn! Rot in Hell, pathetic whore! Hahahahaha!” The Deadite unceremoniously dropped the horrifically gored and slain woman to the ground. The woman’s husband screamed in both strife and shock. All too customarily, Mia dragged her chainsaw across the air with a loose spin and scalped the Deadite on impact. The Deadite’s flesh cap flew off and stuck to the window like a tossed pie. Mia crammed the chainsaw sideways through the empty space where his mouth used to be. The chainsaw passed through the roof of the jaw and into what was left of his skull. She chugged the blade and ground up the Deadite’s eyeballs and nose from inside his head like a razor-sharp vacuum. The Deadite howled as his brain imploded several times and in different ways from the pressure of the chainsaw knocking against it. Mia suctioned out, releasing a waterfall of gore, bone fragments, and brain matter spilled out of his head like candy out of a pinata. Mia turned to the man who had called her a bitch before everything literally went to Hell once more and announced, “Okay, you constipated cunt. It’s time you got off the fucking shitter!”


	3. Chapter 3

Mia barked, “What the fuck is this? Special fucking accommodations hour? When I tell you to get off the fucking john, it’s of no fucking convenience to me.” The man rudely fired away, “Um, bitch? Hello! Maybe your eyes were glazed shut during the whole fucking ordeal one mere fucking moment ago. I on the other hand, just watched my fucking wife get her skull cracked like a fucking coconut. This happened, plus I’m taking a fucking shit. Now if you don’t mind, I’m coping!” Just to make sure she heard correctly, Mia clarified, “You’re coping? Really, on this fucking hour? This literally isn’t the fucking time to play the victim role. How many times must I inform you vegetable motherfuckers that time is as much your enemy as the fucking Deadites? Clue the fuck in or just fucking die! Honestly, why the fuck do I even bother?” The man leaned forward and asked, “Deadite? Is that the motherfucking son of a bitch who killed my wife?” Mia jerked her hair and let loose, “Oh, for fuck’s sake! Had I known I‘d have to give the same fucking speech to every fucking person I run across, I’d have done the Deadites the fucking favor and blow my fucking brains out all over the fucking ground before action became tale.”

Mia explained, “I may be Hellbound, but this shit really takes the fucking cake! I owe them a soul, but I don’t owe you jack fucking shit. I’m not my brother. It’s clear to me now that I can’t save worth jack fucking shit either, which brings us to a fucking crossroads. Tell me now, spare me the motherfucking trouble. Are we really gonna do this again?” The man sat himself upright, yet his presence of rage loomed onward. The man gritted his teeth and yelled, “I don’t know where the fuck you get off spewing all that shit from that atrocious cunt fucking mouth of yours, but I’ll tell you this. You found the wrong fucking listener this time, so how about you just fucking watch yourself. Mark my fucking words. I may be on the shitter now, but I’ll make you fucking humble, bitch.” Mia retaliated, “Call me fucking bitch again. I dare you, motherfucker.” The man bounced around on his seat and chanted, “Bitch! Bitch! Bitchy bitching bitch bitch bitch! Fuck you, bitch!” Mia chuckled, “Oh, that’s rich! You’re the fucking guy who’s gonna make me humble, right? Big boy with the big boy pants. How about you try these pants on for size. I’m the bitch with the chainsaw. One small nick and I’ll reduce your fucking balls— fuck!” The man asked, “What the fuck is it? You’ve been here awhile now. You see something you fucking like?”

Mia shouted back, “Fuck no! Your fucking dick just flipped on me, you goddamn bastard!” All pride flushed from the man’s expression when he saw as she saw. The man fumbled and grumbled, “Ah, shit! Isn’t this my fucking luck? Why didn’t you fucking say so sooner! I could have fixed it, you fucking dike. You know you really are a fucking—” The man squealed in totally unwelcoming surprise as a huge hand burst out of the toilet and violently seized his cock. Mia could now see which way the wind was blowing. Let’s just say it wasn’t precisely on her bucket list of things to see. The man screamed, “Oh! Oh, God! It’s got my fucking dick! Oh, please! Please! Take anything but my fucking dick! I’ll... I’ll pay you?” A demonic voice boomed from all directions, “You’ll pay your fucking ticket to Hell when you give us your fucking soul!” The hand yanked inward and the man screamed. His penis was ripped off and a plethora of blood and some urine ejaculated out of his severed urethra every which way. The pull was enough to break his spine inward and his torsos clamped shut against each other in the toilet like a folding outdoors luxury chair. The flusher was telekinetically pushed down and pipes were busted open with a cloud of steam as the toilet’s anatomy was reconstructed from the inside.

The man swirled around, breaking bones every which way, as little by little of him was sucked into the vacuum like a meat grinder. The man’s body had completely dematerialized and disappeared into the bowl. A volcano of washed gore, broken bones, and grey water exploded out of the toilet. The spectacle was suddenly cut short when the toilet exploded with it. After all, it was still a toilet. The demon burst through the blown-out hole in the floor. It looked completely identical to the first demon that had followed her here. Mia grumbled, “Of course, I don’t just get a pair. I get the faceless fucking twins. I’ll make sure you join your twisted sister back in the shithole you really came from, fucker.” The abomination gasped, “Tsk, you’re getting on my last nerve. Dying is it no permanent consequence to me, but it is a fucking bitch.” Mia raised her eyebrows and acknowledged, “Oh, you again. Sorry, not sorry.” Mia looked at the shitty, gory mess and hastily added, “That was fast, but coming back through the toilet must have been a bitch too. I’m not sorry about that either.” The abomination swore, “Foolish fucking bitch. You didn’t think it would be that easy, did you?” Mia answered, “It’s never easy with you, motherfucker. Although I’m starting to enjoy fucking dismembering you.”

The abomination scoffed, “What can a mere mortal like you possibly do to a damned eternal such as me. Your mere existence insults me, especially since you’re a little junkie whore, Miiiiaaa.” Mia mockingly wondered, “What can I do? I’ll tell you what I can fucking do. I can start by cutting you to fucking pieces again, shit for brains.” The demon screamed, “You don’t fuuuucking get it, do you? You’re going to dread the fucking day you raped my pride, Miiiiaaa. I will fucking kill you one thousand times over, you fucking whoooorree!” Mia said, “Funny, I was fixing to tell you the same thing. You’re a stubborn fucking one when it comes to revenge, but so am I. You’re talking an awful lot for a fucking devil. Don’t you have a train wreck back to fucking Hell to catch? You know all too well how I can help with that. Wanna pick up where we left off, motherfucker?” The abomination said, “New game, new ruuuulesss. You were correct about us traveling in twos earlier.” Mia asked, “What the fuck are you on about?” The abomination answered, “We’re expecting company. I brought a friend along for the ride. Only it’s not your friend... since they’re all fucking dead!”

Mia flipped the demon off with her single flesh hand and said, “You can’t even comprehend friendship. Go fuck yourself.” Before the abomination could laugh wagged her chainsaw at it with the other in a threatening manner. Mia demanded, “Who? Who’s the fucking friend, you mighty obnoxious prick?” The demon groveled and egged her on, “Tsk, impatient whore. You might fucking find out, Miiiaaa. He should be here any moment now. When he does, you’re fuuuucked.” Mia said, “Well, not if I can’t fucking help it.” The demon spat, “Where the fuck do you think you’re going, Mia?” Mia said, “Don’t kid yourself into thinking the bathroom isn’t an obvious trap. As much as I’d love to stay here with you and chat, I’ve had my fill of fucking toilets for a day’s time. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to find a fucking clearing, where I have an environmental advantage. I may be a bitch, but I’m not a stupid bitch.” The abomination commanded, “You come right the fuck back here, Mia. Bring your fat fucking ass back here now, Mia! You’re a junkie whore, Mia! I’m going to gouge out your pretty little eyes and skull fuck you!”

Mia said, “That sounds nice. Tell me how that works for you after I pop your goddamn fucking testicles like grapes, asshole. Tata for now!” The demon stormed after her and reached out his arm, but found his exit blockaded on the fact that he was too large to pass through the door frame. The demon screamed, “Miiiiaaaa!” Before it could bend down and pass through sideways, Mia postured the demon with her chainsaw, which caused it to hiss and sneer. Never mind how many a curse, the abomination remained in place. Mia snapped, “Don’t you move another fucking muscle, cocksucker. You may be eternal, but I swear to fuck you’ll wish you fucking stayed in Hell. Skull fucking by my way of chainsaw should be the fucking least of your worries, you fucking cunt.” Mia noticed that the dead woman’s body which had previously resided right outside the restroom was now nowhere to be seen. However, her head still laid there in an even bigger pool of blood. It didn’t have much shape at all now. Something had burst out of the head since she found the head in four separate chunks like cantaloupe quarter wedges. The demon trapped inside the bathroom giggled, “Round 2 is only getting started, Miiiaaa. Prepare to fucking play.”

That was when she saw the woman’s headless body. She came sprinting into the dining space with her nerve-shot arms flopping all over the place. The woman had been reduced to a rag doll and Mia was close to meeting her puppeteer. She ran frantically and aimlessly in circles around the big open space. She finally fainted from the trauma. She however never touched the floor, as she was telekinetically stopped in mid-air on a diagonal slant. 4 spider-like legs that had somehow burrowed themselves inside her mutilated stump burst out of her neck. Each of the spider legs were 12 feet in length. Mia groaned, “Oh, for fuck’s sake! You have got to be fucking kidding me!” The other abomination cackled, “Fuck’s the matter, Mia? Scared of a little spider?” The spider legs sticking out of the hanging body scurried around, sticking everything in sight. It was as though it were getting a feel for the environment. Mia screamed, “Fucking piece of shit freak motherfucker! I don’t care what fucking world you’re from. Here on planet fucking Earth, we don’t consider this a little spider.” The demon laughed, “Awww, poor baby. I envy you so much, it makes me fucking sick.” Mia narrowly dodged the hybrid spider and ascertained, “Don’t worry, you don’t have to learn all that. Right after I chop this other motherfucker up, you’re about to leave this fucking world real fucking soon.”


	4. Chapter 4

Mia kicked a table over onto its side and hauled it at the spider with her leg. The spider casually thrust its 2 front legs down into an X-slash cutting the table into individual quadrants. She tried coming down on the spider with her chainsaw, but it stopped her attack once more by catching the chainsaw in between its intersecting legs like dual swords. Mia gritted her teeth and said, “That’s a fucking new trick, no fair.” The spider ejected its grip and the chainsaw was flung an inconceivable distance across the room. It barely made a dent and the spider with the body hanging loosely off it settled back just to fuck with Mia. The demon said, “I wouldn’t go get that chainsaw if I were yoooouuu, Mia. From that position, he can launch himself at any second and in that second alone, you could be dead.” Mia said, “Oh yeah, I mean no fucking shit. If it wasn’t so obvious before it is now, Professor Smart Ass.” The abomination looked down at the carved out head then back at Mia and wondered curiously, “Oh, don’t tell me you’re scared of them? That would be most awkward as I laid spider eggs in that bitch’s head juuuusstt for you. She grew rather fucking rapidly, didn’t she? It was a tight space to plant the fucking eggs though. The other hatchlings must have been crushed. Fate favors the biggest and baddest of the fucking lot.” The abomination’s ability to speak was becoming more clear the longer he stayed of this world, but spider eggs? Mia fumed, “Spider eggs, seriously? Please tell me you’re pulling my fucking chain. You’re laying fucking spider eggs now? This is all just a sick fucking joke, isn’t it? It just has to be.”

The abomination giggled, “What’s the fucking matter, Miiiiiaaa? Are spiders enough to fucking rile you? You scaaaarreedd now, pussy? Don’t fucking tell me you’re skipping out on us, because that would be a bitch ass fucking move if I ever seen one.” Mia yelled, “Now, I’m the fucking pussy? Must be easy for a wimp hobknocker like you to say when you have the best goddamn seat in the whole fucking stadium. You’re in the fucking bleachers and I’m on the front fucking lines, you stuck-up fucking cunt.” The demon inquired, “Oh, I am now?” Mia informed the bastard, “Yeah, you are and you fucking know it. Dont play retarded ass shithead with me, motherfucker. Shithead, I sure hope you’re as full of blood and guts as you are of fucking shit. If you’re not simply a smack talking pussycat, why don’t you come the hell out of your damn backseat and prove I’m fucking wrong. Well, what do you have to fucking say for yourself, shithead?” The demon said bluntly, “You didn’t make the fuckin cut and I’m not exceptionally sorry to break that for you, my preciously mouthed whore.” Mia asked, “Didn’t make the fuckin cut, eh? Don’t you find it so classic that your fucking prejudices would be so goddamn contradictory? I say this because it really looks to me you’re a chrome fucking pot calling the fucking kettle black. Milquetoast cutout piece of fuckin shit!” Mia scoffed, “Is that fucking denial I sense? Ah, I think that is fucking denial. Are contradictions not a bitch that just keep on fucking you? They keep fucking you right in that sewn-up shitshow fucking ass of yours.” The demon said, “It is denial, because no matter how much you shut my fucking door, the lock’s already been broken. You were the beginning of it. You will be the end of it. This doesn’t fucking end with you finding another bolt. Rather, this is how it fucking ends.”

The demon spat with vitriol, “This ends with you getting burnt to a fuckin crisp by a rain of hellfire unrivaled by the likes of mortals, no fucking matter the means for resolve. Not quite needless to say as fucking predicted, it is you who are fucked.” Mia said, “There we have it. Still, you don’t fucking learn. You seem forever bound not to learn your fucking lesson, even if it fucks your ass as it’s done over and over and over. Got a dense motherfucker among us and that’s never been more fucking crystal clear than it is now.” The abomination glanced at her one last time and said, “That’s enough out of you, bitch.” The demon turned his gaze to the spider and said, “You, kill the bitch.” The spider silently complied and spat a cobweb net at her. Mia kicked one of the cleaved pieces of table up and used it to cut the net in two before it could touch her. The spider launched itself at Mia, but with the piece of table in its way, she had just enough time to sweep up a dinner fork that had come off it. She jumped up and punctured the spider in the forehead, just barely missing the eyes. She was tough so she stabbed the fork into the spider’s face a couple dozen times, popping all eight of it’s eyeballs like grapes. Eye matter and eye gore splattered all over her. It screeched and jumped around on its hind legs as she held on for dear life. Her fork was still jammed in one of the bruised and torn goops that used to be its eyeball. When its front 2 legs dropped to the ground she yanked the fork out. The handle broke off, but the blades remained stuck in its face. It blindly tried to snap its jaws over her in an effort to bite her head off. She palmed the blades deeper into its eye socket, causing it to scream even more intensely.

She retrieved the broken fork handle to stick it through its right pincer and managed to lock the other side into place like a toilet paper holder. Even though the spider’s pincers were locked from moving about, its teeth was still functioning. It kept snapping its jaws open and shut, but thanks to the newfound blockage, its rather hungry mouth was unable to come into contact with Mia. Regardless of this predicament, the spider still had other ways to attack its prey. It reached forth with its two front legs once more. Mia ran backwards into the counter and as the spider made due on its assault, she spun her body twice standing up along the side of it. Its claw legs cleaved three bar stools in half and tore the marble of the counter to cuts and bits. The spider accidentally jammed one of its legs down the sink drain. Mia had a big window of opportunity now and she wasn’t about to miss it. She flicked the disposal on and the spider’s leg started to get shredded up like processing meat into drain pipes. The spider screamed and jerked its equally uncomfortable head about. With its free front leg, it began hacking off its disintegrating leg like an ax on firewood in an effort to save the rest of the body it was attached to. Mia shattered a column of china dishes that was on the counter behind her and swept up all she could into her palm. With the spider unable to fight back at the moment, she reached through the gap made by the fork handle holding its pincers apart like some extra bone unnecessary and detrimental to its anatomy.

She fed the spider a mouthful of the broken plates, to which it accepted with great violence. Since it couldn’t see what she was feeding her, it instinctively chomped its teeth over it. Its grinding was not unlike that of a paper shredder and this is how. The spider’s bites came too rapidly to stop right away and it cut apart its gums and broke several of teeth out their roots. The spider screamed and worked more diligently to chop off its leg than ever before. Without breaking completely away, the spider managed to splinter the top half of its leg out of the joint. The dislocated lower half of the began hopping about even more in the meat grinder of a faucet. The leg further dislocated to the side with a very loud and visually obscene snap. Mia got behind the spider as its rear end was currently unprotected. She booted the scruff of the deceased woman’s neck which was the base for its body. The spider was propelled downwards and its host’s throat lodged into the counter that the unbridled parasite had made jagged. What she had thought previously to be a four legged spider, must have its other four legs buried tightly inside, because there was painful squishing and screeching as its insides were being crushed. Mia booted it a second time, but on the second time around, she pressed her leg firmly in place. She tried sinking the bizarre monstrosity into the counter in an effort to decapitate it. The spider surrendered trying to dismember its leg at least for a moment and dug that one powerful and free leg into the counter like an anchor. The displacement of its weight offered a hefty amount of resistance but it was a successful resistance that prevented Mia from completing her particular execution.

Mia intended on completing the execution nevertheless. She broke away from the spider’s ass and hopped on top of the bar counter. She began side-kicking the hideously bruised and mangled neck. It softened up like jelly and the headless woman’s body slid off the spider like a sock. The spider itself wasn’t beheaded but it struggled to stand on the four broken legs which had just been released of its prison. The sudden yet powerful fumble caused the gradually but surely tearing leg to finally get separated from its body. Mia said, “I’ve got a textbook lesson, you inbred biological fuck up. The bigger they are, the harder they fucking fall.” Mia kicked one of the leaning bar stools out, tripping its legs in a way that caused the spider to fall forward. The spider’s leg punched through the fork handle, snapping it in two and drove upwards with the leg. The fork handles halves were pushed slightly up and poking out both of the spider’s cheeks, spreading its mouth even further like a dentist appliance. The simultaneously combined effort of the 3 objects caused the leg to punch a hole through the back of its mouth and out the back of its head. Lengthy as it surely was, he leg continued its upwards drive and thrust itself through the hole tearing it more so. A web of blood splatter shot itself high and stuck to ceiling. Mia screamed, “Why doesn’t a shit regurgitating spider slut gorge fuckin herself on that? Fuckin choke on it!” The spider’s head began to twist around on the grinding leg like a swivel, snapping its neck around several times until its head finally and successfully came off. The headless body that happened to be also missing a leg stood there, but only for a second. Without so much as a stagger this time, it simply fainted onto its legs which collapsing underneath like a foldable table. Since four of the legs were broken at different angles, each one stuck through the gut and out the back, eviscerating its internal organs as well as impaling it.

As for the unconnected leg, it was on its last limb literally with only the ballpoint end stuck out of the spider’s head. The head continued to swivel like a vinyl record under a turntable needle. Mia let it spin a few times before shutting off the disposal. The head settled into the bowl. “Let that be a message to the next bug cunt who fucks with me.” The demon laughed, “You talk about us bug cunts as if you’ve bought yourself time. All you’ve really done is buy me some time to summon more of my horde. No, Mia. You didn’t prolong the fucking inevitable. You merely brought it closer to you.” With that, 10 newly recruited Deadites piled through the openings of the diner. Mia exclaimed in disbelief, “What the actual fuck? Throw all your fucking history books out the window, why fucking don’t you?” The demon said, “Retarded biiiiiitch. When has history ever saved anyone?” Mia said, “Oh my fucking God, what? History has literally saved someone I don’t know... every fucking time. Are you sure you should be calling me a fucking retard?” The demon said, “I surely would not dwell on it... for fucking long anyhow. All of this was really just to buy some fucking time. Took me a little longer than expected because you’re such a damn thorn in my ass, but I will be leaving shortly. We all need our ugly sleep. Equally persistent cunts we may be, however different of a cunt we are from one another. Alas, even a fucking cunt like myself needs to rest.” Mia said, “On those notes, I fucking agree.” The demon said, “Like me, you like to throw a fucking show, but it is not without an end. This will be the last wave, for now.” Mia asked, “It is?” The demon said, “Yes, junkie cunt.”

Mia said, “So much fucking nerve, it’s quite remarkable. Junkie this, junkie that. You just never shut the fuck up about that. I grow tired of you throwing that old status at me so feebly. You know what you are. You’re a goddamn fucking broken record. One of these days, I’m going to stuff my chainsaw back down that cunt mouth of yours. Only when I start it up again, I’m going to wash that fucking cunt word out of your system along with anything else that fucking comes up.” The demon said, “There will come a time where I will pull the plug, but I must admit something to you. I will miss the show you throw, my dear. I will miss what vulgarities you can show with your hands as well as that delicious fucking mouth of yours. Under such regards I admire you, but I still want you fucking dead.” Mia filled in the blanks and concluded, “An eye-for-an-eye, got it. No, really. I just gotta know if there’s any other villain monologues you want to get off your no-nipples chest?” If the abomination has eyes Mia could see, they would be rolling. Mia pointed out, “Up until maybe one fucking minute ago, I was under the impression that you wanted me dead ASAP. Case being, if I’m to be fucking frank with you.” The demon looked to the 10 Deadites who had surrounded her, then to the actually eyeless spider head staring its eyeless stare at them from the sink overrun with blood. The demon turned back and said, “Ah, yes. Contingencies, contingencies. I had a feeling you might survive that. Hell, you may even fucking survive this. I just rather not stick around for you to annoy me any fucking further. You are my distraction as I am yours.“ Mia added, This may have been your longest fucking time outside of Hell, but you are outside of fucking Hell. Be a fucking doll and so fucking tell me. Got a fucking train to catch that’s not for your soul, asshole?” The demon said, “As a fucking matter of fact, I do. Only this time you won’t be able to fucking stop me.”

The demon continued, “When and if we meet again, it should be the last time. No more fucking retuuuurns... for you.” Mia said, “We’ll have to go fucking see about that.” The demon said, “Indeed, an eye for a fucking eye is the way of it. With that, I wish you excruciating goodbyes... junkie.” The demon descended back into the hole in the bathroom. Before it did though, Mia was presented a rather unpleasant look at its anatomy. Not wanting the demon to get the last insult in, Mia called down, “You’re a cuntless cunt, but you’re a fucking cunt no less!” Mia was about to follow, but a Deadite prevented her from following. One of the Deadites behind her laughed, “Stupid bitch! Where are you off to now?” Mia said, “Oh, fuck each and every one of you fucking cunts! You all will fuck the fuck off if you know what’s fucking good for you.” One of the demons yelled suggestively, “What’s good for you? Sliding down a fucking hole, eh? I have a hole you can slide down, bitch.” Mia said, “Ew, so that’s how you motherfuckers want to play it. I have to mutilate and recast to Hell more of you queer cunts, do I?” The more inappropriate demon shot again, “Only if you want to, baby. The offer’s still on the fucking table.” Mia said, “God, you’re so fucking gross. That’s it. That guy is so dead, right? I’m definitely going to fucking kill that guy.” The Deadite who was in front of her said, “What sort of kindergarten dumb fuckery is this? You’re going to have to kill all of us if you want to go anywhere, stupid!” Mia said, “Must they be so independent from one another?” The Deadite asked, “Meaning?” Mia said, “I tried explaining it, but for one reason or the other, I just can’t break through to you motherfuckers. You see, I’m not just going to fucking kill you. I’m going to fucking go through you. You really are just a bunch of dead fucking cunts.”


	5. Chapter 5

The spider proved while Mia may not have her chainsaw currently on hand, she was still just as dangerous without it as with it. A Deadite charged her and she kneed him hard in the groin. She head-butted him and he fell backwards. The back of his head got caught over one of the clumps of spider web she had split with the table. Not knowing what it was at first, the Deadite screamed in surprise and rolled over, wrapping the net over his face. Mia subdued him with a grappling arm over a table. She wrapped him in place and tightened the grip of the net over his face like a garrote or piano wire. The Deadite screamed as the flesh over his eyes began to dissolve and she started squeezing a lot of blood out of his face. She sawed left and right and downwards with the web, cutting through his eyes like a loaf of bread. The web was much stronger than it looked and had a razor-like effect. She managed to cut seamlessly through his skull after just a couple digs. Bisected his brain was nearly as easy as cutting through his face by that point. She continued winding to the ground, cutting once more through his skull and out the back of his head. Loosened to an overwhelming physically traumatic extent, the Deadite’s head spun around like a top at the eye-line before springing off limberly like a slinky. His brain appeared to be folded over hot dog at first before slipping out in very wetly gory halves.

A Deadite tried to tackle Mia as she was getting up. She kicked the broken table forwards with her foot. The splintered end impaled itself through the Deadite’s toenail beds. He screamed in excruciating pain. Since it was partially being held up between the flesh of his toes as well as their respective nails. Mia stomped on the side of the table and bounced up like a trampoline. His toe nails were yanked upwards off the beds and stood up on their hind ends. He screamed and she stomped on the Deadite’s foot’s crunching his standing nails to smithereens. He screamed even more painfully than before and with the table standing up, she was sure to quickly silence him, putting him out of his misery for good. She gripped him by his neck and brought his chin down hard over the jagged table. She spun it around with her other foot like a saw and the table sliced through his chin. She kept spinning as she sank him further and further down both with her foot crushing his own as well as it driving the bone just above it inward with the toe of her grinding boot. The table sawed through his chin, cut through his mouth, cutting his tongue in half width wise. She kept carrying it upwards and the table began to rust down before she could completely dislodge the front half of his head. She shook the table around a bit and the sides of his face at the temples started to loosen up. She kicked him backwards and the flesh and much of the muscle on his face was torn off.

His face flew off across the room and stuck to the wall with a greasy slap. He fainted backwards with a cry. She stomped the table down over his head and the mortally compromised structure was crushed like a watermelon underneath it. The vast majority of his head save for the back was squashed and splattered into a dozen different fragments, bone marrow and all. A third Deadite slipped and was propelled backward on the most recent splashing of blood. Mia spun the Deadite over so he was face-down over the counter. She picked up two forks and stabbed him just below the backside of hands, through his wrist arteries, and bolting them through the ransacked board. She slid a glass cup under him and bore the cup tightly into place with her one hand. She angled him in a specific way before chopped him down hard over the scalp of his head with her stump end. His head was pushed down hard and the rim of his eye socket passed over the rim of the cup. The soft flaps that made his eyelid as well as the lower one that the eyelid touched when shot passed seamlessly over the edge of the cup. The pressure of both her elbow chop and the pressure of cup, popped his eyeball out into the glass. The tip of the glass broke from the violent motion. Thinking Mia had pinned herself off at the counter, a fourth Deadite made his move. In an effort to give herself more room, Mia yanked the Deadite she had just killed backwards. Stuck firmly in the counter, the forks merely bent forward as his hands were carved in two.

As the dead body staggered backward, she used the temporary blind spot to retrieve the now broken glass once more. Before the Deadite could even catch wind of what she had done, she lodged the glass with the eyeball inside it through the lining of his Adam’s apple. She twisted the broken glass to the side, slicing around the ball of his throat. The resulting fountain of blood filled the glass and stung the eye inside it acidically. He gagged on his own blood and fractured windpipe. She decompressed before forcing the glass deeper into his throat. The bit of spinal column there broke and the tips jutted a hole in the back of his neck. A cascade of blood poured out his blown out neck. His Adam’s apple sank inward and the eyeball rolled down the glass like a bowling alley. The eyeball bumped the Adam’s apple forward and it sank into his esophagus. The Deadite dropped to his knees and fainted forward. The glass shattered, so his neck as well as everything in it imploded as a result. She swiped a butcher knife and slashed a large gap across the fifth Deadite’s hip before he even made her move. She slashed a second and similar gash this time from the other hip. She reached in with the tip of her knife and tugged forth a bundle of intestines. Careful to use the side of the blade so she didn’t sever the cord, she flung his intestines upward into the sky. The taught innards lapped over the blades of the ceiling fan directly above. The ceiling fan caught hold for the briefest of instances, but it was enough to swing the screaming female Deadite body off her feet. The intestines were cleaved in two almost a second before her exposed belly was met by the fan as well.

The blade contact as well as the squirting of stomach acid drilled right through her torso. The Deadite was swatted across the room gorily by the fan. The Deadite woman’s midsection burst upon hitting the wall, causing her upper and lower torsos to rebound in opposite directions. That quite literally half done now. 5 down and only 5 more to go. She felt herself wearing down a little bit until she received a new hope. Mia noticed her chainsaw glimmer close nearby. Mia dove chest-first and tobogganed across the blood-drenched floor like a slip-and-slide. The blood seeped through her shirt and onto her breasts, but by this point she had been covered in so much blood she just didn’t care. She was able to sweep the chainsaw up by the sleight of her hand. She punched her stump through the handle, and spun around just as the sixth Deadite was dive-bombing her. Mia hoisted her legs in the air, catching him just below the knees. Mia ran her chainsaw around in a wild arc, casually looping his suspended legs off. She flipped up back onto her feet. The Deadite was in turn knocked down, with the bony stumps of his knees planting him into the floorboards. She she swung her chainsaw diagonally this time with her weapon of choice really going to work now. In a single swipe, his right arm was also popped off the joint and his head was cut in two from the lower corner of his head to the top one. She booted the dismembered Deadite backwards. His sticking bones broke off the ground and he was carried off a few inches by the waves of blood that were both his and the blood of others before him. Mia noticed the perverted Deadite seeking refuge behind the table.

Mia said, “Told you I’d stick around to fucking kill you, didn’t I?” The Deadite pleaded, “No, please! We can work it out, baby! We can work it out! Come on, now. I was just fucking joking you, no.” Mia revved up her chainsaw again menacingly and said, “I’m so sick and tired of you rapists running free to fucking rape me in whichever way you so fucking please. That’s what you fucking are, you know? A bunch of goddamn fucking rapists who stick your fucking cocks in whosoever and wheresoever you fucking please. You raped me with your mind fucks, then with your fucking cocks. I won’t let anyone fucking touch me like that ever again! Do you fucking understand that, cunt?” The Deadite whimpered, “Oh, fuck you bitch! We do what the fuck we want!” Mia said, “Because of that, so do I now. You’re gonna get what’s fucking coming for you and you’re not gonna like it in the least fucking bit.” The Deadite sobbed, “Oh, no! No, no, no! Have fucking mercy on me, please!” Mia said, “You perverted cunt motherfuckers disgust me to no fucking end! Now, you beg me? You beg me for fucking mercy after you have raped me? Fuck you! Now’s not the fucking time for that, you worthless fucking cocksucker! I’ll tell you what happens now. Now, you reap the rewards of being a perverted cunt motherfucker!” The Deadite shook uncontrollably with anticipation and realized it had been awhile since she had heard anything from Mia. He lifted slightly off his seat to check his surroundings and that was when Mia drilled the chainsaw through the table he had been leaning against. The Deadite screamed first in surprise, but then in pain as he instinctively plopped back down.

Naturally, such a placement was not in his bodily favor. His genitals passed through the blade of the chainsaw and Mia lifted upwards through his groin. The Deadite howled and howled as he was mutilated up the middle from groin to head. The chainsaw cut both the table and him in two. Both dual splittings went their given ways. Not wanting to take any more chances. The last 3 Deadites charged Mia. Mia jerked and spun her chainsaw every which way. The chainsaw kept popping in and out of the flesh of their abdomens, chest, shoulder blades, and arms. Spaghetti western eruptions of blood painted the place saucily. As her chainsaw kept passing every way, she kept screaming, “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!” She finished with one last spin that decapitated all 3 Deadite’s heads at once. All 3 heads went flying in separate directions and each landed with a big clunk which deteriorated the craniums more. That was the last of them and she killed them all just as she said she would. When Mia was finished, she was completely coated in the blood of everyone who wasn’t her from head-to-fucking-toe. She was absolutely drenched in that paint. In fact, there wasn’t a space on her body that was covered in a chunky red save for the whites of her eyes. Mia stood their for a good moment so she could allow her nerves to finally relax, before moving again. She plopped back into the stool she had been sitting on before being swept away by the hand-basket of gore and fucking excrement figuratively as well as fucking literally.

She wiped a smear of blood messily off her mouth, wanting nothing more than to just finish the fucking beverage she bought with the last of her spare change. She had used up all that was given to her by the kindly old man who had offered her temporary passage. Mia could only hope that that man was outside of the Deadite zone now, but she knew what her gut told her. Ever since the Necronomicon Ex Mortis AKA the Book of the fucking Dead has been opened, everyone around her keeps on dying and none too happily. Mia crazily said to herself, “Well, my cup of Joe better be worth every goddamn dime.” She picked up the coffee mug she had so rudely been distracted from and chugged the last of it in 4 big gulps and one little gulp. Mia belched like a Neanderthal and felt the urge to take a coffee piss. She declared, “Mm. Good fucking coffee!” Mia jumped out of her seat suddenly and violently. She smashed the coffee mug onto the floor. It shattered into pieces of different sizes, but they all disappeared into the one inch puddle of blood which seemed to have flooded the entire fucking room. In fact the room was just as red as she was, save for much of the ceiling. The ceiling was nevertheless covered in a lot of fucking blood. In fact, the outside world only showed itself through the windows which had been shattered to a million fucking pieces. The windows would have been coated with a layer of crimson paint if they hadn’t. The sky may have bled iron tear droplets for Mia, who in turn did the same with a fucking building as her killing floor.

Mia said again to a none too present audience, “What cluster fucking shit that was, eh? All you dead fucks, what fucking say you? I personally say it’s high fucking goddamn time I got out of this fucking diner.” Mia was right, as this had actually been nothing short of an extended scene that had outlived its welcome. All that has come up to this point wasn’t the first, second, third, fourth, or even fifth fucking chapter. No, this was merely the prologue. This was the beginning of the beginning, as Mia didn’t intend on stopping any fucking time soon even for the fucking emissaries of Hell. She looked back at the bartender who had been cut and opened up where the Deadites has begun to return for her. She said, “All of this could have been avoided had you just fucking ducked like I told you to, you hotheaded fucking prick. I’m sure to fucking shit you have something to give me to fucking make up for that fucking fiasco? Well, fuck nuts? Seeing as you’re fucking dead and in no fucking position to get up again, here’s the fucking deal. I need to get the fuck out of here, so don’t mind if I take your fucking car out back.” Mia reached through his pocket and stole his keys off him. Mia spun the keys in her hands as she plodded away through the shallow indoors pond of blood. She casually left out one of the broken window. Mia said, “All you Deadite motherfuckers out there who think they can fucking stop me? You fuckheads just come on out and fucking try. It doesn’t matter who fucking comes, because I swore never again. I don’t know about you motherfuckers thus far, but I stand by my fucking will. I’ll utterly destroy that fucking piece of shit who took fucking everything from me and I’ll fucking kill every last one of you motherfuckers to fucking do it.”

MIA VS EVIL DEAD


	6. Chapter 6

Mia didn’t even make it to the gas pedal before she entered a twilight sleep. She came to even more miserable than before. Alone in her misery, Mia nevertheless groaned at her invisible judging audience and whined, “Jesus fucks Christ, why am I so fucking drunk? I didn’t even fucking drink jack. I meant to fucking leave like what? One fucking hour ago maybe? Shit, dawg. I don’t even fucking remember anymore, fuck. I feel like I lost time.” Mia looked at the dash clock and her fears were instantaneously confirmed. She banged her head and said, “Oh, fuck me in the lopsided cunt and fuck that shit sideways. That’s 6 goddamn fucking hours I missed! Fucking 6. It had to be him! Fucking cocksucker, I swear I’m gonna fucking kill him! Oh, right. He’s already fucking dead. What in the goddamned tarnation did that fucking bastard prick put in my fucking coffee anyways? Leave it to a fucking goddamn asshole sonuvawhore to bring out his dick and fuck up coffee. Leave it to a fucking goddamn asshole sonuvawhore to make the coffee do the exact opposite of what it’s supposed to do. Most importantly, leave it to a fucking goddamn asshole stupid bitch to let it all happen! Stupid, stupid bitch! I was definitely fucking drugged and thank the fucking demons they tore his ass up before he could tear mine. God, why am I even saying all this shit out loud? Stupid!”

Mia continued to berate herself and said, “Stupid and crazy! Stupid, crazy, and crazy stupid drunk is more fucking like it, yeah! I really should have checked his sketchy fucking ass for roofies. I knew that fuck was giving off super duper rapey vibes. Cocksucker sure as all fucking Hell wasn't performing a citizen’s arrest with this shit, I’ll tell you that for damn sure. God, I remember I chloroformed myself like some retarded fucking idiot once. Don’t even remember where the Hell I got it. That was dumber than fucking shit though like wham, bam, and god fucking damn!” Mia complained, “I really let my guard down this time around though. Try-hard fucking sodomizers ain’t a new fucking battle for Deadite-slaying Queen fucking Mia over here, but my royal ass ain’t never been fucking roofied before. If anything, I hope that’s whatever the fuck this shit is. It would really fucking suck if I dropped fucking Angel Dust killing people instead of fucking Deadites. I went really fucking batshit loco this morning. Straight fucking crazy in there, man. I mean, fuck right? I got off drugs and never tried nor do I intend to willingly try PCP, but fuuuuuck. Seriously fuck, man. My guiltiest crime which is sticking myself with fucking needles is no small potatoes but I’d be lying off my fucking ass if that redder-than-Hell fucking shit in there wasn’t psychedelic as all Hell. It was a trip and a fucking half, man. How fucking far out is the police station from here anyway?”

Mia added, “I really don’t want to still be here when they do, but shouldn’t the police have arrived here by now? Maybe time is just working differently for me, man. Sure, it doesn’t make the least bit of fucking sense but nothing fucking does anymore. Perhaps I’m being fucking watched over by a guardian fucking angel or something, but why fucking me? What sinful sort of fucking wrong did I commit to deserve living after all this shit? Where the fuck did I go so wrong?” Mia managed to look up through the sunroof and immediately covered her eyes from the blistering and unnaturally bouncing rays of light. The beams were dancing about like lights in an EDM concert, except they were these kinda yellow-tinted white lights that gave her motion-sickness. Oh yeah, Mia recalled the Sun. She looked up for a reason she remembered however, so she didn’t avert her gaze despite how sick it made her. Mia shakily retrieved her middle finger. She wanted to flip off the sky, but she couldn’t bring it any higher than her lap. Mia went through the cycles of grief once more and blasphemed, “I fucking hope— I pray you’re listening God, because fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. I don’t need this shit, you mean old asshole. Damn, the fuck? Now, I want to feel even more shit-faced. That’s really too fucking bad, since I don’t wanna pop a fucking muscle again or else I’d fucking find something in here.” At first it sounded creepily faint, but it gradually grew much louder.

Mia was hungover wasted and she wasn’t ready to answer the next cocksucking asshole who called out her name like one of the neutered dogs she had for exes. She couldn’t tell which direction the voice was coming from, but she was pretty fucking hazy and floaty after all. It almost sounded like it was all inside her head, but that was impossible. She was many things now, but crazy wasn’t fucking one of them. She reckoned she would have had her psychotic break earlier this week if that were the case. The voice resonating within echoed, “Miiiiiaaaa. Miiiiiaaaa.” Mia grumbled, “What the fuuuuucckk. Put a fucking pipe in it already and give a fellow fucking bitch the fucking break she deserves. Can’t you see I’m too fucking drunk for this shit?” The voice continued, “Miiiiiaaaa.” Mia said, “Dad, I swear to fucking God I’m gonna shove my chainsaw so far up your faggot fucking ass if it fucking means you’ll stop being a fucking cunt and kindly shut the fuck—“ The voice quickly changed into a snap and so snapped, “Mia! We’ve been looking all over for you, Mia!” Mia leapt off of the dashboard she had drooled all over in her vegetative state and yelled, “Woah! Honestly, what the fuck?! Who the fuck is there?! Why did everything get so fucking quiet for a change.” In a childlike temper tantrum, Mia shook her chainsaw all over the place and shouted more angrily, “Answer me, you scared fucking pussy! I have a fucking chainsaw and I’ll fucking kill you!”

After that, Mia to no small detail told of how she would go about the process. In her fit of rage, Mia said, “I’ll saw out your fucking guts and golden shower the hole it makes, fucking try me. I fucking swear to fuck, cunt! I’ll kill you! I’ll fucking kill you and I’ll fucking piss on you! Who the fuck are you?!” The voice said, “Someone whose identity must be kept secret for now. You’re not crazy, but you are however enduring quite the escalating dopamine count just by my being here. You’re high as a side effect of a cocktail. That cocktail is my being telekinetically mixed and linked with the electrodes inside your brain. High dopamine counts can mean either of two things. You’re either suffering a high cocaine dopamine count or you’re suffering from schizophrenia. When you know as I know and suffer as I suffer, I simply call that breaching the surface of greater knowledge. The world as you more intimately know it than most is oftentimes stranger than fiction. You and I see things that others cannot unless diseased or suffering from psychedelic narcotics. These images we see are as real as the drugs and Dreams necessary to see them. The smoke-and-mirrors veil of reality is a drug in itself, is it not? In fact it is the only true escape from higher learning.” Mia said, “You may call it higher whatever the fuck you want. I will call it not knowing what the fuck is going on, quantum man.”

The voice said, “Isn’t it obvious? I thought you were a brighter woman than what you’re exhibiting. I’m in your head Mia. It doesn’t get anymore direct than that.” Mia yelled, ““Bitch, you’re in my fucking head?! Well, get the fuck on out!“ The voice said, “Would you keep the racket fucking down? Catching you for an uninterrupted moment is hard enough as it is. Do you even realize how long I had to sync with you just to make this fucking connection?” Mia said, “You weren’t fucking welcome, you telepathic gay blade.” The voice said, “Nice. You’re giving me a headache as it is, but if they home into our channel, we‘ll be compromised and we won’t be able to talk anymore.” Mia said, “Good! I don’t want to talk. Didn’t want to fucking talk in the first place! You know you’re giving me a headache too, asshole! Now kindly do us both a favor: GET. THE FUCK. OUT OF. MY FUCKING. HEAD!” The voice shot back defensively, “Woah, whore. Sheesh! You think I want to stay in your fucking head with all the teen angst fucking bullshit bubbling in here?!” The voice shouted, “Why the fuck do you even still have that as your go-to mood? Bitch, are you not fucking 26?” Mia shouted, “Don’t you dare fucking remind me, gentleman douchebag!” The voice said, “Believe me. The fucking sooner I get out of this bitch is the fucking better!” Feeling like her head was ready to split in two like a recently welded red-hot sword passing slowly through a melon, Mia said, “Well, get the fuck out now!”

The voice said, “Gladly, but I have to tell you why I’m here in the first fucking place. Don’t I, dumbass?” Mia said, “No, the fuck you don’t. What you need to fucking do is leave.” Mia received an electrical current in her brain that caused her to shriek. Mia asked, “What the fuck was that for? Was that fucking you?” The voice said, “Hell yes it fucking was. You were fucking being an obnoxious cunt and we weren’t fucking supposed to be talking for this fucking long anyway. Now, for fuck’s sake! Can you stop fucking being an obnoxious cunt for two fucking seconds, so we can be fucking done here?” Mia asked, “Or what, dipshit?” The voice said, “Or I’ll fucking send another electric sweep through that Pop Rocks-filled fucking head of yours for fucking starters.” Mia said, “Woah, woah, woah. How can I even be sure that was you?” Persistently evasive as ever, Mia said, “For all I fucking know, you could have conveniently taken the fucking credit the very same moment I go fucking crazy—“ Mia shrieked again as the second wave hit her. Mia gasped, “Uhhhh... fuck. I don’t know fuck about electroshock fucking therapy, but I simply fucking can’t believe that’s fucking healthy.” The voice said, “Are you still fucking skeptical of my Doctor Who fucking powers inside you, bitch?” Mia said, “You made your fucking point... cunt.” The voice said, “That’s a good cunt. You’re powerful, Mia. With the right push, you’ll find that you’re more gifted than cursed. If you want to be a cunt about it though, the least you can do is be a likable one... one of the good ones if you will.”

Mia asked, “One of the good cunts? Oh, my fucking god. That’s so fucking sexist, I’m going to barf out whatever the fuck you’re rubbing off into my brain. You’re fucking sick, you know that? You have serious fucking issues.” The voice ignored her and said, “As for your own fucking powers, keep being that good fucking cunt as a fucking listener though so we can get this shit fucking over with and be on our dandy fucking ways.” Mia asked, “My own fucking powers, you say? You fucking talking about all the voodoo fucking hippie, psychic shit I’ve been fucking getting lately? What the fuck is this precisely? A fucking prophecy or something?” The voice said, “Yes, it’s precisely that. If you want to begin to understand, you must meet me at Coordinates 0, 0. We must meet face-to-face and that concludes everything I can say at long distance. As you are being tirelessly tailed, I cannot talk to you like this now.” The voice concluded, “Goodbye for now, we’ll be expecting your arrival in the foreseeable future.” Mia said, “You got your filthy fucking probe fingers into my fucking head, fucking shit bag. Why can’t you fucking talk to me now, motherfucker? Besides, what’s this fucking shit I hear about Coordinates 0,0? That’s the middle of the fucking earth. Are you fucking trying to drop me into the fucking middle of the goddamn fucking ocean? What fucking good is this ass to you, drowned and fucking dead? Doesn’t make the least bit of fucking sense. I’m certainly not hauling ass that way for a fucking death trap. Fucking retarded, telepathic cunt.”


End file.
